Get 15 percent off animal butt magnets at Future Perfect.

We’re not going to tell you how to shop this weekend. We’re going to tell you how not to shop. For the love of [insert deity here], does anyone  really need to:

1) Shop on Thanksgiving, when some retailers (Old Navy!) are forcing their employees to come to work?
2) Shop at midnight on Thursday, when Target, Best Buy, Kohls and Macy’s are forcing their employees to come to work?
3) Get up at 4 a.m. on Friday to stalk big-box stores for $10 DVDs?

Why not roll out of bed at a reasonable hour and head to the boutique down the block? Some of Brooklyn’s independent retailers are making it even easier this year by having holiday sales.

A number of merchants have jumped on the Small Business Saturday bandwagon, an effort by AmEx to promote local shops. Dumbo in particular is doing a big push around this event, so click here to find out about discounts there.

Here’s what’s happening at some of our other favorite retail shops, and if you’ve got a lead on another sale, please pipe up in the comments:

The Future Perfect in Williamsburg will have a 15 percent discount on all in-stock goods. The very hip home goods store has a number of stocking stuffers that won’t set you back. On their must-have list this holiday season is an all natural room spray from Juniper Ridge ($17), Animal Butt magnets from Brooklyn’s own Stephanie Mantis ($20) and Vintage View-Masters ($22.50). Their Black Friday sale goes on through Sunday.

Babeland in Park Slope also has a Black Friday special for those on your naughty list. They have a buy-one-get-one-free deal on his and
her Orgasms in Box ($18) that including a vibrating toy and lube. Another possible stocking stuffers is their Body Package ($25) with
massage oils, bath products and a vibrating massager.

Sleep in on Friday and then hit up Brooklyn Kitchen for the foodies in your life. Along with a Bloody Mary tasting, the kitchen gadget store has a number of seasonal items on sale. For a $20 gift, they suggest a case of ball jars, canning tongs and pickling spice for your DIY sibling. For the less kitchen savvy on your list, you can grab a $50 gift card for one of their classes.

Instead of Black Friday, Annie’s Blue Ribbon General Store will be celebrating Small Business Saturday by giving away Naughty or Nice
holiday pins til supplies last. The gift store mecca has a number of items of stocking stuffers that won’t leave your wallet empty. High on
their top items are Napkin Sketchbooks ($6.95), Candy Cane Pop Rock ($1.25) and Chocolate Coal ($2.50).

Chic retailer Hayden-Harnett is offering sales both online and in the brick-and-mortar shop in Fort Greene; click this link from Brooklyn Exposed to find out more.

Scaredy Kat in Park Slope, known for its wide selection of gift items will have some holiday card box sets on sale for $6.

If you prefer to shop online, Brooklyn Based has a list of Brooklyn stores offering discounts and deals.

Got one to add? Please tell us about it in the comments, and watch out for our annual round up of 25 gifts under $25, all from Brooklyn retailers, starting right after Thanksgiving.

St. John's Bread & Life needs volunteers and donations.

The holidays are a time for excess starch, hanging things on plants and friendly dispositions. Unfortunately, it is harder for some Brooklynites to attain these niceties that many of us take for granted. Instead of shopping-as-sport at 7am Friday, you could be handing out toys to children who will appreciate your generosity more than your nephew will appreciate this year’s Elmo gimmick. Instead of serving dinner to your cranky family on Thanksgiving, you could be serving dinner to people who would actually appreciate it (for once!). Parent-focused blog A Child Grows in Brooklyn has put together a great resource for Brooklynites looking to volunteer. Don’t let the family focus throw you. In fact,  helping needy families is actually a great excuse to get away from YOUR family.

The list includes soup kitchens, meal delivery services and more. If you don’t have the time to volunteer, consider donating your extra packaged food to a food pantry — there’s a list for those too. Trust us, you will not miss the extra cans of cranberry sauce product or Pepperidge Farm anything. Make sure to check the full list from A Child Grows in Brooklyn.

How will all of you Brokesters be giving back this season?

Follow Rachel: @RachelEveStein.

Talk about PERIOD costume.

In this very special Thanksgiving episode, Caroline and Max make mad tips, convince Han to keep the diner open to feed the homeless and Caroline starts to grow a backbone; which is about damn time! Things seem to be going pretty swimmingly. But THEN (dun dun DUHN): Caroline accidentally breaks Max’s mixer. It’s seems though Caroline is getting tougher, she’s still just a rich dumb blonde. When they go to a department store to buy a new one and realize they can’t afford it, they decide to get jobs as Santa’s elves. Hijinx and zingers (too many zingers?) and all the vagina jokes you could hope for ensue!

KEEPING IT REAL

Tip to the Holidays
The show opens with Max and Caroline counting their massive amount of tips they got before Thanksgiving. As a waitress, yes, people have been tipping me well, but there have been FEWER people, unfortunately. But that’s probably because they’re all buying cheap food at a run down diner with fake wood paneling instead.

Max says: “Well don’t get used to it. Thanksgiving is almost here, and as soon as people realize how much money they have to spend on holiday gifts, their wallets snap tighter than Kim Kardasian’s legs after the wedding check cleared.” True! But writers, you might want to cut down that set up a bit. It sounded like Max had Cisco Adler’s balls in her mouth. ZING!

“So much Jewish holidays, I don’t have time to Wikipedia them all.”
Han’s lines are the worst, and I have trouble just transcribing them. But yes, Han, there are a ton of Jewish holidays. I know this from the amount of times I’ve not had to move my car, been offered candles and asked been asked by grown men to shake their lulav.

Leaves in Brooklyn
After Caroline describes her perfect Thanksgiving memory (feeding the homeless at the Waldorf Astoria, of course!) Max tells hers: jumping into a pile of leaves and finding a used condom. If I could find enough leaves in Brooklyn to make a pile big enough to jump in, I’m sure there would not only be a condom, but McDonald’s wrappers, chicken bones, a stolen purse, a dead rat and a woman selling cinnamon sticks in there.

Cigarettes
When Caroline and Max suggest Han leave the diner open to feed the homeless on Thanksgiving, Han says it will cost too much money. At that point Oleg pulls out a wad of cash to pay for the dinner. The crew is baffled, where did a cook at a diner get so much money?! “I sell cigarettes from New Hampshire to school kids in New York. It is a good profit.” It is! They are cheaper there!

UH, WHAT?

Buying a mixer. Not cocaine.

Cocaine
After working all night at the restaurant and gearing up to work all day at the department store, the ladies are starting to feel it. Max has a little pick-me-up to offer Caroline. Caroline is in shock, is it COCAINE?! No, it’s 9-hour energy. To which Max quips, “If we could afford cocaine, we could afford a mixer!” Ah no. No you couldn’t. As learned here, cocaine costs about $60 for two people; while mixers start at $250. So if you could afford the former, you still couldn’t afford the latter. Maybe if you ladies didn’t blow $500 to buy a painting just to destroy it, you could not only afford the mixer, but you could certainly afford the cocaine.

9 Hour Energy
Which leads me to this: After Caroline jugs her serving, she acts like a coked up caterer at a Scarface party. I’m sorry, but guarine doesn’t do that. I know they said the ingredients were in Spanish, but the reaction just reminded me of Carlton on speed at the prom, and Jessie Spano on caffeine pills.

Life in the movies While everyone is offering to pitch in to help the homeless, Frank offers to bring pie, and starts to tell a story about his mom and this white lady, then remembers it’s a plot line from The Help. Oh, come on.

A List of Zings, for Future Reference

Santa’s Sex Toy Shop: “Tell that to my candy cane shaped vibrator. I call it Santa’s BIG Helper!”

Santa’s Elves: “North POLE DANCER”

Baking Lessons: “Before we bake, I need TO GET BAKED.”

Sharing tights: “The girl who had the tights before me, let’s just say little elf friend visited unexpectedly.” “Ew! Talk about a PERIOD COSTUME!”

Mental Breakdowns: “Come on, BI-polar express” “You’re like a Christmas crack monkey”

Exploding Cake Batter: “Christmas comes once a year, and I think it just DID”

Prison visits: “Idk, It’s been awhile since I’ve had any cavity searched!”

Insensitivity: “Get home safely! Oh, maybe I should not have said that to the homeless.”

Crotchless tights: “Risk showing kids your winter wonderland!”

Get caught up on episodes 1-9. (Regular recapper Ariel Karlin is away this week.)

Follow Meghan: @Mdoherty04.

No more bathroom stops!

In a perfect world, holiday travels would be free of carbon emissions, the stress of navigating Port Authority and the horror of gas prices at nearly $4 a gallon. But if your Thanksgiving plans require you to jump in a car, why not do it with a complete stranger from the Internet? It’s more cost-effective and you’re guaranteed to get a good story to tell ‘round the family table. Assuming your driver doesn’t turn you into stuffing before then. We perused the Craigslist rideshare section to see what types of drivers are opening up their passenger seats this holiday weekend. Here are a few of the most useful, mysterious and potentially hilarious rideshares available to anyone making a holiday pilgrimage. 

Going to JFK?
A free ride to the airport early Thursday morning, leaving from Williamsburg. Must be “gay/gay friendly.”

iPodding to Canada
A nice-sounding, stereo-challenged driver to take you north of the border to Montreal, leaving Wednesday afternoon from Brooklyn. Plans on “driving as directly as possible and chain-smoking,” requests use of your iPod due to busted stereo.

Smoke to Boston?
Someone wants to go to Boston today. Ad “offers smoke for ride,” so we’re not sure what they’re offering exactly, but “chill” people requested.

Personal Black Friday chauffeur
This person wants to cart around you and your HDTVs during Black Friday. The charge is by the hour, but the ad notes that waiting time is free! They can even make the midnight openings if you want.

VW Van headed to OccupyDC on Wednesday
The ad doesn’t mention this, but it might be worth seeing if a guitar and some Simon & Garfunkel tunes could cover part of the fare. Smoke for ride, anyone?

Anyone else looking for a ride share? Put it in the comments! Riding with a fellow Brokelyn reader is slightly less sketchy than riding with a craigslist rando.

Follow Karina: @Karinabthatsme.

Crank it up for good this Saturday

The holidays are rolling into full twinkle-lit gear, so any scrooges looking to hit the brakes are out of luck. You might as well ride out the season from the comfort of your two-wheeler. The annual Cranksgiving race on Saturday is your chance to kick your pre-trytophan bod into gear while doing something nice for your neighbors. Benefitting City Harvest and the New York Bike Messenger Foundation, the ride involves a Supermarket Sweep-style scavenger hunt race around Manhattan in which participants buy Thanksgiving dinner ingredients for food banks and other local charities. It’s free if you’ve got a bike, a bag and grocery money ($20, according to organizers). Winners are determined by race times as well as the generosity of donations. That said, in this race, nice guys finish first.

The race starts at Solar One on the East River between 22nd and 23rd streets, where riders will get a manifest with the address of various stores around town and a shopping list.

Afterward, celebrate the bounty of your holiday booty at Chrome Store (238 Mulberry St). And for those who still haven’t gotten their fill, the crew is throwing an after after party at Red Lantern Bicycles in Ft. Greene (345 Myrtle Ave.).

Follow Karina: @Karinabthatsme. 

Give high dinner prices the bird.

Last year, our annual list of turkey-day dinners for the kitchen-averse started on a solemn note: The price of dinner with all the trimmings was up a whopping $10 from the year before. So this year, we were flat-out scared when we set out to check the lay of the Thanksgiving prix-fixe land. But we needn’t have feared, because it turns out, here in 2011, $35 (and less) is still alive and well. Now, while you could get stuck on what this says about the economy and all, we’d rather not. Instead… we’ll just go and eat like it’s 2010. Here’s this year’s Thanksgiving prix-fixe list. If we missed a place, let us know.

All prices are per person, all spots offer turkey, stuffing & the fixings unless otherwise noted.

Manhattan Three Decker Diner, 695 Manhattan Ave. at Norman Ave., Greenpoint, 718-389-6565
Cost: $17.95
This year’s winner for cheapest meal (a diner, naturally) includes roast turkey, stuffing, sweet potato, cup of soup, salad, dessert and a drink (coffee, soda or wine).

Vegas Diner, 1619 86th St. between 16th Ave. and Bay 13th St., Bath Beach/Dyker Heights, 718-331-2221
Cost: $20.95
This place is huge with some fantastic diner decor. It won’t give you a cozy, homey feel, but it will provide all the old-school classics.

Mill Basin Deli, 5823 Avenue T at E. 59th St., Mill Basin, 718-241-4910
Cost: $24.95
This Kosher place offers four courses with great options like split pea soup, apple strudel and, of course, turkey (with stuffing, candied yams and veggie). There’s also unlimited coleslaw.

Buckley’s Tavern, 2926 Avenue S at Nostrand Ave., Sheepshead Bay, 718-998-4222
Cost: $26.95
A 40-year-old family-run catering hall/restaurant/bar, Buckley’s offers the whole standard deal, including tea or coffee.

Okeanos, 314 Seventh Ave. at 8th St., Park Slope, 347-725-4162
Cost: $29.99
For a Hellenic-Mediterranean Thanksgiving in Park Slope, Okeanos is probably it. Your four courses here start with watercress radicchio salad and finish off with apple pudding in cardamom caramel syrup.

Picket Fence, 1310 Cortelyou Rd. at Argyle Rd., Ditmas Park, 718-282-6661
Cost: $30
Picket’s one of the senior members of the new Cortelyou Rd guard. Three courses here, with a solid dose of homey.

Pane & Vino, 174 Smith St. between Wyckoff and Warren Sts., Cobble Hill, 718-501-1010
Cost: $35
Again, the standard fare, but with some nice touches like split-pea and asparagus soup, plus a free glass of Prosecco.

The Green House, 7717 Third Ave. between 77th and 78th Sts., Bay Ridge, 718-833-8200
Cost: $35
If you’re south-bound in Brooklyn, see here for Maryland Turkey with sausage-bagel stuffing, duckling in a blood orange cognac glaze, broiled salmon and steak, and appetizer and desserts.

Fornino, 256 Fifth Ave. between Carroll St. and Garfield Pl., Park Slope, 718-399-8600
Cost: $35
The original in Williamsburg is taking the day off, but the Slope spot is open for business with three courses, mixing Italian apps and the day’s standard mains.

Marco Polo, 345 Court St. at Union St., Carroll Gardens, 718-852-5015
Cost: $36.95 (ok, almost $35)
You can opt for the traditional States-side Thanksgiving meal in three courses, or go for old-world choices like Tilapia Oreganata, Suprema di Pollo al Grand Marnier or Bistecca Grigliata.

FOR THE HOMEBODIES

Foodswings, 295 Grand St. between Havemeyer and Roebling Sts., Williamsburg, 718-388-1919
Cost: $15 ($60, feeding four people)
Foodswings is the only vegetarian option in our list, but it won’t be open on Thanksgiving. They are, however, selling meat-free Thanksgiving meals for pick-up the night before. So if you and your veggie friends want to chow down on chick’n style seitan, mashed potatoes, biscuits and lots of vegetable sides, order now and have that party at home.

Luscious Food, 59 Fifth Ave. between Bergen St. and St. Mark’s Ave, Park Slope, 718-398-5800
Cost: $19 ($38 for two people)
Luscious’s bread & butter is delivering “homemade” food, so that should work for turkey day. Dinner for two includes the main stuff, two sides and a “sweet treat.” And there are plenty of cost-effective options for the larger crowds too. ORDER DEADLINE: Sunday, Nov. 20, 6 p.m.

Seersucker, 329 Smith St. between President and Carroll Sts., Carroll Gardens, 718-422-0444
Cost: $30
Southern comfort food’s the inspiration here, and that’s reflected in the Thanksgiving dinner to go. But the deadline’s TODAY (Nov. 16), so… choose your three sides now.

And once you’ve feasted on the fruits of someone else’s labor, you could pass on the Thanksgiving spirit. Nonprofits like FoodBank NYC and CAMBA always need food for their pantries, and Brokelyn has a list of other volunteer opportunities and ways to donate.

Some descriptions courtesy of the last two years of Thanksgiving prix-fixe lists.

Follow Jonathan: @jbberk.

Tattoo with a side of potatoes.

Thanksgiving means bus rides to Jersey, arguing with your veggie friends over that dead bird in the oven and awkward family convos where your grandmother tells you she’s “mostly OK with the gays now.” Why not have something new to debate this year: a tattoo! Sara Antoinette Martin of Brooklyn Tattoo on Smith Street is offering $40 tattoos from the flash sheet from today through mid-December. That “AMNESTY’ one will make your veggie friends happy, at least.Martin, an apprentice at the shop, previously offered a Halloween tattoo special, and you can see some of her work on Flickr. To make an appointment, she says it’s best to come by the shop at 99 Smith St. on Mondays or Wendesdays-Saturdays, or you can email sara.antoinette(at)gmail.com, or call the shop at 718.643.1610.

If you missed the Halloween tattoos, she’ll do one of those for $40-$50 too

Be careful out there

You know the routine: first Thanksgiving… then a weekend of retail mass hysteria unequaled for 12 months in either direction. We don’t know if you’re into the Black Friday 4 a.m. must-buy game (if not, here are a few other options), but one thing’s for sure: You’ll have no problem finding the deals. So rather than tracking down every BF sale around for you, we’ve compiled a few handy guides to help you intrepid souls navigate the craziness around the corner.

Here they are—a mix of dos, don’ts and watch-outs, with some highlights from each:

USA Today: Apple’s annual Black Friday tease, how to track in-store availability online, the big retailers giving best bang for the buck

WalletPop: Coupon-combining, mobile-only deals, online comparisons

Brooklyn Based: A shopgirl’s guide to Black Friday

Brooklyn Based: Holiday cards, coat drives, other feel-good ways to spend the day

Chicago Tribune: Mapping your route, the buddy system, the joys of no-name brands

About.com: Bring the ads, know store policies, leave with a gift receipt

Yelp: Black Friday vs. Cyber Monday, how to survive the in-store fights

Consumer Reports: Request a price guarantee, check your return policies

ABC Action News: What to wear, electronics first, make sure the sale’s worth your time

CNN Money: This year’s dirty little secrets

Loveli-mom: What to eat, what to bring along, other nitty-gritty lessons learned from last year

WGRZ: What’s the difference between an ad scan and a stock list? (And why you should care)

KTUL: Mobile web security tips not to forget amid the craze

Prime Meats, the winner (again) at $20 a head

Thursday’s fast approaching, and somehow you find yourself still… unsecured for the big day. You don’t mind missing out on some of the homey cliché: the family, the football, the Tryptophan couch coma. But it’s the food and drink you covet, and your kitchen prowess still isn’t quite up to the task. Even though last year’s $25 prix-fixe has (mostly) gone the way of the dodo, that doesn’t mean you’ll have to resort to $90 or $150 bounties to get your fill. It just means, this year, $35′s the magic number. Here are Brooklyn’s turkey day dinners you can afford. If we missed a place, let us know.

Prime Meats, 465 Court St. at Luquer St., Carroll Gardens, 718-254-0327
Cost: $20 per person
Prime Meats returns as our cheapest prix-fixe this year with turkey, Brussels Sprouts, sweet potatoes and gravy. Unfortunately, mash potatoes, creamed spinach, and dessert are each an extra $6. Even then, it’s still a deal.

Mill Basin Deli, 5823 Avenue T at E. 59th St., Mill Basin, 718-241-4910
Cost: $26.95 per person ($8.95 sharing charge)
This Kosher place offers four courses with great options like pierogis, split pea soup, strudel and, of course, turkey. There’s also unlimited coleslaw and fountain drinks.

Chestnut, 271 Smith St. between Sackett and DeGraw Sts., Boerum Hill, 718-243-0049
Cost: $32.50 per person (up to two people)
Thanksgiving at Chestnut means four courses with options of quail, turkey, acorn squash, oysters, pumpkin pie, apple-pear cake and ice cream. Normally this will run you $65, but they’re offering what’s called the Orphans’ Thanksgiving: the normal prix-fixe menu at half-price for singles and couples from 1 to 9 p.m. Space is very limited so get there early.

Pane & Vino, 174 Smith St. between Wyckoff and Warren Sts., Cobble Hill, 718-501-1010
Cost: $35 per person
There’s not much selection here, but you can be sure the turkey and homemade stuffing is going to be awesome, and who doesn’t like split-pea and asparagus soup? Plus, you get a free glass of prosecco.

The Green House, 7717 Third Ave. between 77th and 78th Sts., Bay Ridge, 718-833-8200
Cost: $35 per person
If you’re south-bound in Brooklyn, enjoy The Green House’s exotic choices like Maryland Turkey with sausage-bagel stuffing, duckling in a blood orange cognac glaze, broiled salmon and steak. Add to that an appetizer and delicious desserts.

Foodswings, 295 Grand St. between Havemeyer and Roebling Sts., Williamsburg, 718-388-1919
Cost: $35 per person.
Foodswings is the only vegetarian option in our list and sadly won’t be open on Thanksgiving. They are, however, selling meat-free Thanksgiving meals for pick-up the night before. So if you and your veggie friends want to chow down on chick’n style seitan, mash potatoes, biscuits and lots of vegetable sides, then order now and have that party at home.

Marco Polo, 345 Court St. at Union St., Carroll Gardens, 718-852-5015
Cost: $35.95 per person (ok, almost $35)
You can opt for the traditional States-side Thanksgiving meal at Marco Polo, or you can dine on great old-world meals like Tilapia Oreganata, Suprema di Pollo al Grand Marnier, or Bistecca Alla Griglia, just like mama used to make.

If you’re lucky enough to enjoy Thanksgiving at a restaurant this year, remember there are lots of Brooklynites who can’t afford regular meals, let alone a full Thanksgiving dinner. Consider eating early and then volunteering at any of the many places that need help. Check out FoodBank NYC, TimeOut NY, the Greenpoint Church, and the New York Cares for some options. And even if you can’t get out to serve food to the needy, you can always bake them a pie.

Our pick: Prime Meats for $16 a plate.

If you’re in the city this Thanksgiving and don’t feel like wrestling with a 20-pound bird (or haven’t wangled an invitation you’re excited about), keep in mind that plenty of restaurants will be in full swing. Sure there’s the River Café for the $125-a-head crowd and Dressler’s $90-a-plate feast, but we found seven places where you can get turkey (or possibly tofurkey) and fixins for under $25—booze not included. If you’ve heard of any deals we missed, please put them in the comments. And since working on Thursday is pretty much no fun, don’t forget to be extra thankful with the wait staff…

Manhattan Three Decker Diner 695 Manhattan Ave., Greenpoint (718) 389-6565
Cost: $16.95 per person
This prix fixe includes a full turkey dinner (with sides), dessert, coffee, and wine. Wine in a diner… hmmm. They also sell whole turkeys to take home, just in case you want massive leftovers.

Prime Meats 465 Court St., Carroll Gardens (718) 254-0327
Cost: $16 per person
It’s not exactly a prix-fixe meal, but for just $16 you can get a turkey plate that includes soft-pretzel stuffing, honey-roasted sweet potatoes and brussels sprouts. They’re also offering spiked cider, hot buttered rum and mulled wine, though it’ll cost you extra.

Purity Diner 289 7th Ave., Park Slope (718) 840-0881
Cost: $14.95 per person
The best deal in town—this turkey dinner includes classic side dishes, like sweet potatoes and creamed spinach, a beverage, and a slice of pie.

Red Bamboo Brooklyn 271 Adelphi St., Fort Greene ,718) 643-4806
Cost: approximately $20 (menu not set at time of publishing)
For a vegetarian option, head to Red Bamboo Brooklyn. Though the menu hasn’t been set (call ahead for details), expect dishes similar to their Manhattan counterpart, where they’re serving bamboo herbed faux-turkey with veggie sides and a dessert.

Turqua Grill І 9604 3rd Ave, Fort Hamilton І (718) 238-8885
Cost: $24.99 per person for 3 courses
Go a bit non-trad at this Turkish restaurant where you can choose between entrée selections like turkey shish kabob or a turkey gyro, and end with a special pumpkin desert.

Union Smith Café, 305 Smith St., Carroll Gardens І (718) 643-3293
Cost: $25 per person
This bistro serves classic American food year-round, so expect traditional dishes like turkey, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, and a dessert.

Vegas Diner, 1619 86th St, Bath Beach/Dyker Heights, (718) 331-2221
Cost: $18.95 per person
This place is huge with some fantastic diner decor. It won’t give you a cozy, homey feel, but it will provide all the old-school classics: turkey dinner, stuffing, and all the fixings.