With the launch of Missoni for Target today, crazed shoppers have stormed the stores, crashed Target.com and already posted merch on eBay. So what’s a zigzag-despairing fashionist to do? As it happens, wiggly stripes are a bit of a trend this year, so here’s some Missoni-inspired stuff you can buy without breaking a sweat or someone else’s femur. For starters, you can fool everyone with a sharp-looking zigzag coffee mug from Sagaform, $12.99 on Amazon. Here’s more. (No, it’s not all super-cheap):

Zigzag scarf, $14.99 on Amazon

Joe Boxer zigzag scarf, $8.99 at Kmart.

Save your coupons for this brazenly Missoni-inspired INC. dress at Macy's, $119.99

Fringed kimono, $91.48 on Asos.

Zigzag print top, $19.99 on Papaya.com

Matilda. The Truth.

Do you remember summer reading lists from yonder summer vacations? What a perfect — and free  — way to pass the hot days, scouting through your air-conditioned library for the next Roald Dahl (Matilda is still my jam). This month instead of sweating your way through jort after jort, you could spend time helping kids to read in two of the most reliably air conditioned places: libraries and department stores. Through the end of July, Macy’s customers who give $3 to help provide a book for kids get $10 off a purchase of $50 (all of the $3 goes to Reading is Fundamental too). And starting at 1pm today, you can enter to win prizes and Macy’s gift cards at a special promotion at the Grand Army Plaza branch.

Macy’s and Reading is Fundamental have partnered together since 2004 to raise more than $16 million to support children’s literacy. Last year, the partnership provided 3.6 million free books to more than 1.2 million children.

Today’s special event at the main branch at Grand Army Plaza features “BB the smart car” to encourage participation in Reading is Fundamental and give away prizes, including Macy’s gift cards.

The local Reading is Fundamental program consists of a weekly event in the central branch’s Youth Wing and in each of the 58 neighborhood libraries. Each year, more than 120,000 free books are chosen by babies, children and teens throughout Brooklyn to start their own home library.

Photo by Flickr's Martin Ruiz.

Feel like you’re swimming in a school — er, pool — of outdoorsy free events? There’s plenty to dip and dive into, but the part of American summer that involves channelling your inner Huck Finn has been left out. Until now: Macy’s department store has your fishing needs covered, and not just with cargo pants and Tevas. Kids 15 and under can learn to angle with the best of them in Prospect Park with free summer-long fishing clinics. The Macy’s Foundation has partnered with the Prospect Park Alliance to teach fishing techniques in accordance with the park’s “catch and release” policy on Saturday afternoons in July and August. Even better? The program focuses on safety and responsibility, so the little ones can commune with nature in an environment that supports sustainability.

An overview of aquatic ecology sets the tone for the session, giving an educational context to this hands-on experience. Equipment will be provided, so after that, the world is quite literally your oyster.

It’s first-come, first-served, so sign up now to learn the ancient skill of angling. Classes meet at the Audubon Center just inside just inside the Lincoln Road/Ocean Ave. entrance at 1 pm and 3 pm, and children must be accompanied by an adult. Contact (718) 287-3400 x303 for details and to register.

Follow Kelly: @iamkellymurphy.

The (loose) inpiration.

There are certain phrases that strike fear into every living soul. Some – like “EARTHQUAKE!” “DUCK!” or “ZOMBIES!” – require an exclamation point to really hit their mark, but others are just as horrifying at a whisper: “Bedbugs,” to give one example, and, to give another, “black tie.” Bedbugs will stalk you, eat you, and spread dirty rumors about you, but – have you seen The Tuxedo? – the wrong piece of formalwear, in the wrong hands, can threaten the entire world. Thus, when I heard that a close friend’s wedding was going to be black tie, I was left with a serious problem: how to obtain a thoroughly unembarrassing tuxedo with the $300 that was left on my credit card. This is my story…

Disclaimer: This is written from the perspective of wild, rampaging ignorance. I’ve never shopped for a tuxedo before. I’m not a member of the charity circuit. Nonetheless, I currently have one more tux than I did last week, and I hope to simply share what I have learned in this, my hunt for elegance.

Rent vs. Buy: Based on web reviews and my own personal experiences at the (positively divine) Winter Wonderland Galas of 1999, 2000, and 2001, there are two core problems with rentals: (1) the suits tend to be stiff, and (2) if another event comes up – if, a la Cameron Crowe or Drew Barrymore, you have to go back to high school and wind up attending an escalating series of proms and high-stakes mixer events – then by your third formal you’re out $300 and you’ve still got nothing to wear. The standard tuxedo weighs in at around $500-$800, so it’s not easy to make it work for $300, but if you have the time and inclination, buying is best.

On the related question of used vs. new: Let me just say: new. A high-quality, relatively unused tux hanging from a vintage rack is like unto the leprechaun, or the monster at Loch Ness: it is a myth.

What Kind of a Tuxedo Are You? After consulting what advice was available online from places like GQ and  Esquire, I made a few key decisions: I wanted something relatively clean and casual: a slim-cut suit with a two-button jacket (since three buttons reminded me of 9th grade) and notched lapels, since a sweet shawl collar was out of my budget. I was hopeful that if I found the right suit I could do without some of the other, more traditional accessories and frills.

Taking Stock of What You Have: Once I’d decided to buy, I first took a look in my closet to figure out what I already had. NB: If you don’t have anything in your wardrobe that can complement a tux it’s going to be almost impossible to buy the whole outfit for under $300. At the same time, whatever you do have will also set the tone for your overall tux look. If you own a cummerbund and a bow tie then you have to stick by those items and spring for a set of cufflinks and a shirt to serve as worthy complements; and if you have a handsome pair of suspenders (like these ones from Brooks Brothers, or these cheaper ones from Macy’s) then you should feature those black beauties and drop the anachronism that is the cummerbund.

What I had was fairly unsurprising: a pair of black dress shoes, a black belt, and a black tie with a silver tie-clip. (I also had a gold watch with a purple Jesus on it.) The items I did not have included: an actual tuxedo, suspenders, a cummerbund, a pocket square, dress socks, and a gold watch without a purple Jesus on it.

Where to Shop: It turns out that there’s a strange sort of wedding row in TriBeCa, between Rector and Vesey. For a certain thrifty demographic this is the ideal spot for a good old-fashioned formalwear hunt. Within a ¼ mile of one another you’ll find Tiffany’s, Greenwich Jewelers, and Brooks Brothers (bear with me here), and also: Men’s Wearhouse (Pass!), Century 21 (Boom!), Century 21 Shoes (Boom!), Sym’s (Boom?!), and Wendy’s (BaBOOM!). So at this point we have to leave Brooklyn.

[A quick aside: whenever I’m shopping out of my standard price range (as for instance when I’m shopping for jewelry, or for non-plastic/paper bags, or for shoes), I tend to rely on online clearing houses like Gilt Groupe, which offer steep discounts on luxury items. In my case, friends, I reached for the stars of deep discount, and a wayward comet promptly blew my hand off. Gilt was having a sale on Italian suits, and I found a beautiful wool tux for under $200. In the end, however, I received a totally different suit than the one I had ordered, and by the time I realized the mistake, the actual tuxedoes had all sold out. Cue Stefan.]

The Stores: So if, like me, your miracle turns out to be some sort of a sad parable for life at a hip deep discount, then return with me now to TriBeCa. The lessons to be learned here are many, dark, and deep, but they can also be summarized roughly as follows:

(1) The “Men’s Wearhouse” (that is, a house in which men “wear”) is from the 1980s, and, more to the point, unless you need two suits or have a friend who can help you benefit from the buy one/get one free offer, you can find most of the same suits – especially the tuxes – for fewer dollars elsewhere.

(2) Century 21 is a zoo and it has very little in the way of non-velvet tuxes (even as far as zoos are concerned). If I had an exotic animal – an axolotl, for instance – I would take it here to graze. But with that being said, it’s hard to do better than the current century for all of your accessory needs, including especially: bowties, socks, and tuxedo shirts.

(3) At Sym’s there are three possible outcomes: you (a) happen upon the perfect suit for absolutely bottom effing dollar; or (b) you find the perfect tuxedo but the tuxedo you find is only available with supersized pants; or (c) you find nothing but chaos – rack upon rack of indignant vests, clownish pants, and dapper blazers that seem to have no time for the 48L “trousers” drowsing nearby.

(4) For shoes, take your pick: Century 21, DSW, and Sym’s all have something to offer. At Century 21 the selection is of course more extensive (especially when it comes to actual tuxedo shoes) and it includes a higher-end product than the other stores; at DSW you’ll find some of the best deals but the selection tends to be a bit more prosaic; and at Sym’s, again, God only knows what you’ll find.

Decision Time: In the end, TriBeCa was a bust (which sounds like the opening line of a novel from 2064), but my diligence had at least yielded some benefit: with ten days remaining until the wedding I had made exactly zero purchases, but I had at least confirmed my sizing with four different tuxedoes Calvin Klein, Tommy Hilfiger, and [two other brands that I now forget]) which were all close to my price range. It was at this point that I went to Macy’s. Based on past experience, I knew that the Alfani “brand” (which is, on the one hand, a lie – since Alfani comes from Macy’s and not from l’Italia – but which is also very wearable and very, very cheap) could provide a fallback option; but ideally I was hoping to find something a bit more, how to say… slimmer in the leg, wrier in the cheek, and more natural upon the proverbial boat.

The formal accoutrements.

To cut a long story short, I succeeded. And please, do not begrudge me my success. I went to Macy’s during one of their very regular one-day sales, and I got a well-cut, well-lined, and tremendously comme-il-faut Tommy Hilfiger tuxedo for $227.98 after tax – just $20 more than the lesser (in every respect) Alfani outfit.

Finish him: This particular tuxedo had belt loops. Belt loops meant that I either had to buy suspenders and a cummerbund, or it meant that I could just wear my belt. I am no fool, less is always more. Therefore, I took the latter option. With a belt, I could probably also eschew the bow tie in favor of the more (shall I say integrative? let us say integrative) full-length black tie that I already owned… and with a full-length tie there was no need for either a set of cufflinks or for a new tuxedo shirt. When it came time to buy the shirt I was also pretty much exhausted, so it was just a matter of picking the best fitting white shirt with an understated collar. This is the one I wound up actually buying, and it worked out well.

The author getting dog hair on his dashing new tux.

Between a trip to the Brooklyn Flea where I was able to find a white silk pocket square (for six dollars… steal!) and a return trip to Macy’s for a very brand and very spanking new pair of black dress socks I managed to squeak through this entire ordeal with a complete outfit for $287 before tax… and just above $300 afterwards.

The Tuxedo Speaks: The tuxedo is an eloquent piece of clothing, and one way or another it will speak its truth, whether that truth is that you feel uncomfortable wearing it or that it is due back at Formalwear Depot tomorrow by noon. What would my $300 tux say about me once I had it back home? On the night of the wedding, the tuxedo’s debut, I straighten my tie, pull the cuffs taut, and turn around to face the mirror. “You look good,” the tuxedo finally says, “but there’s a spot on your shoe.” The tuxedo is a perfectionist, but he’s right. “You look good too, tuxedo; but you’re a real bastard.”

Items, in Summary

From the Closet ($0):
Black Shoes
Black Belt
Black Tie with tie clip

From Elsewhere
Tommy Hilfiger Tuxedo ($226)
White Dress Shirt ($40)
Socks ($17)
Pocket Square ($6)

Total: $310.29 (including tax)

The wisdom of the Re/Dress chalkboard

Being a “fatshionista” on a budget anywhere can be tough, but Brooklyn is full of great finds for the plus-size shopper with a less-than-plus-size budget. From the designer stuff of W’burg pop-ups to the vintage of Re/Dress to just the chain-store basics, ma’am, Brooklyn’s full of cheap ways to fit your fashion needs.

Designer
PopUpPlus is a popup store for plus-size ladies in Brooklyn that shows up every now and then (the last one was in Williamsburg). They feature pieces from designers all over the world, and the deals go very quickly, but at the end of the store’s stay, the entire inventory can be marked down to 30-40 percent off.  You can get $200 items for $140 or less, and these are things you’ll wear until they fall apart many, many years later.

At Fox’s, down on Kings Highway, you’re gonna have to dig, but the prices are just as low. They have Marc Jacobs dresses for $64 and Jessica Simpson boots for $35, but you’ll have to put in the time to find something both attractive and that fits, because everything’s mixed together. Fox’s, 911-927 Kings Highway between E. 9th and E. 10th Sts., Midwood

Fox's

I recently heard about Smile For Every Sistah in You on Flatbush Ave. They carry some designer pieces like Monif C’s dresses, which can run $120-$200. But the real deals here are the accessories, where you can find sale items that will look fabulous with the dresses. Smile For Every Sistah in You, 581 Flatbush Ave., between Midwood St. and Rutland Rd., Prospect Lefferts Gardens

If you’re higher up on the budget chain, but you’re still looking for a deal, check out Lee Lee’s Valise. They specialize in sizes from 10-28, and their pieces are definitely designer. The key is here is keep your eye peeled for their sales. Pieces can normally go for $200-$400, but it’s not unheard-of to get a wrap dress or one of the dresses going out of season for 50 percent off. Lee Lee’s Valise, 368 Court St. at President St., Carroll Gardens

Lee Lee's

Vintage
The mecca for the plus-size girl in Brooklyn for the past few years has been Re/Dress, and it’s just around the corner from Lee Lee’s Valise. Re/Dress has new, plus-size designer items and an incredible collection of vintage and gently-used stuff. Sizes range from 10 to 3X and 4X. We’ve scored $50 sequin pants there, and there’s a pair of leather chaps perfect for Halloween that’ve been around for quite some time. The serious deals are there, you just might have to hunt. You can also sell your used items for cash or store credit. Re/Dress, 109 Boerum Pl. between Dean and Pacifis Sts., Boerum Hill

The Vortex, a vintage store in Williamsburg, also has some plus-size pieces floating around. The prices range pretty broadly ($35-$200) and, again, be ready to hunt. But the place really is like the wild wild west: You never know what you’re going to find. We recommend spending an afternoon here. The Vortex, 222 Montrose Ave. between Bushwick Ave. and Humboldt St., Williamsburg

Audrey, a Re/Dress model

Chain stores
The Macy’s in Brooklyn has some good plus-size pieces and their selection is always better than Macy’s in the city. A $140 Calvin Klein dress can go for $40 (especially great if you love the way Calvin Klein fits you), a $300-$350 Tahari suit jacket can go for $150-170 and Levi’s jeans might be marked down to the $30-range. The other great thing about Macy’s? If they don’t have your size in the store, you can always look online. Macy’s, 5400 Avenue U. (Kings Plaza); 422 Fulton St., Downtown Brooklyn

Lane Bryant's Seven7 jean

The Lane Bryant at Fulton Mall reportedly gets all the leftover clearance items from other area stores. You should definitely sign up for their email alerts, too, because sometimes they do crazy things like offer 50 percent off the entire store or 50 percent off their Seven7 line of jeans—which knocks the prices down to around $40. They send out some pretty sweet coupons, too. Lane Bryant, 380 Fulton St., Downtown Brooklyn; other locations

In the same area, Ashley Stewart doesn’t always have the best quality of clothing, and not everything’s always priced right… but the sale section can definitely garner you some solid basics. And you might even find an buried item that’s been there long enough to have been marked down two or three times. You wanted some $29 or $34 cargo capris or t-shirts? Now they’re $19.99. The store also does some buy-one-get-one-half-off sales every season, too. Ashley Stewart, 1222 Fulton St., 488 Fulton St.; other locations

For really cheap items, you can always hit up Rainbow. Ah Rainbow. The home of the cheaply made skirt you’re gonna wear once and throw out. They’ve got a plus-size section that’s hit or miss, but you can sometimes nab things for $3, especially if the zipper is already blown out (you can always sew it when you get home). They can have nice knockoffs in the shoe section too, but $10 shoes will act like $10 shoes. Rainbow Shops, various locations

Swapping
You may have tried clothing swaps before and left with nothing but a bangle because everything just wasn’t your size. Well, you can try the Brooklyn Plus-Size Clothing Swap (Disclaimer: I started it!) The group meets every few months to swap clothes over food and drink. You just bring clothes you’ve tired of, and take others in turn. Great if you suddenly find yourself a different size from one season to the next.

The choices for plus-size women are getting better and more diverse as the fashion world realizes that we’re not going anywhere, and we want to look good, too! What secret gems have you found out there in Brooklyn?

For some women (not me), getting glammed up for free at a makeup counter is a regular ritual. Most department stores provide the service gratis—along with sales pitches of varying intensity—as a way to move product. And even though I’m the type of gal whose eyes glaze over at the word “foundation” (unless we’re talking philosophy or construction), I also love free stuff—in my vegetarian years, my most painful trial was free samples of salami. So I decided to hit up the Macy’s at Fulton Mall three times, putting my usual undone look aside to find out how three different makeup artists might reimagine me.

Estée Lauder

Up to now, the closest I’d gotten to an actual makeover was while pretending to shop at Sephora.   Every makeup counter operator had a different, very definite, idea of the “one thing” I needed, and here it was concealer under my eyes. The Estée Lauder girl proceeded to slather the stuff on like she was paving a sidewalk. With a solid mask of tan, she gave me the beigish eyeshadow, eyeliner for 80-year-olds, and pink tone makeover that taught me to never say “Well, I don’t really wear makeup, could you show me?” Where she did prove herself especially knowledgeable was in the application tips. Even though I didn’t love the palette, she gave me a crash course in putting on makeup—cheekbone contouring, etc.—that I will continue to refer to long after I rushed home to scrub off her handiwork.

MAC

When I do wear pigment on my face, it’s stage-worthy: green eyeliner, purple eyeshadow, and a lot of it. So when the game saleswoman asked, “So, do you want smoky, colorful…” I interrupted her and said “both.”

After picking a peacocky color-scheme and discussing ideas with me, she went to work. I thoroughly approved of the way she handled my skin—a problematic organ that everyone else caked with various powders and liquids. Not only that, but she was a good enough sport to sneak me around MAC’s policy that a customer is supposed to buy five items in exchange for a full-face makeover, or two products for an eyes-only transformation. Before the faint-hearted palpitate, I should explain that I encouraged the artist the whole time (I saw normally-done-up ladies there, too). I loved the new look and went as long as humanly possible without washing my face.

Chanel

So far, my makeovers had been what I would have expected of the brands: Estée Lauder was, well, dated, and MAC was flamboyant. So what of Chanel? As my makeover purveyor laughingly told me, “Honey, Chanel is Chanel.” Pale silver eyeshadow, upper-lid-only eyeliner, barely-there lipgloss- I did feel very pre-war Parisian (walking through midtown Manhattan suddenly felt very appropriate), but I also felt like the subject of a Seventeen article—something like “Cool and Classy in 10 Easy Steps!”

The woman (the only person I met behind the counter older than 23) took her time giving me skincare pointers, and suddenly the world of toners and moisturizers started to become clear. Though my editor deemed this look the winner, to me the entire experience felt like a cosmetic ritual as old as cold cream—never to go out of style, never to appeal to me much.

So what did I learn from my experiment? If you are actually planning to stop by Macy’s on your way out, don’t leave your face completely in the hands of another. Try guiding them (“Oooh—I like that color! Can we try that?”). If you’re not ready for a whole new look, you might want to try your own hand at the testers. Those are free, too.