Forever alone? Not this year. Photo via one of the MOST DEPRESSING STORIES OF ALL TIME in The Daily Mail.

Being a single on Valentine’s Day I imagine is a lot like being a Jew on Christmas: people around you are caught up in the hoopla of corporation-fueled gifting while the rest of us slog along, pretending we’re perfectly happy not celebrating. And then you have to upload post after post about it on the blog you work for, because allegedly everyone is looking for things to do on V Day, because, even though you’re a happy couple, I STILL HAVE TO COME UP WITH DATE IDEAS FOR YOU. Well, nuts to that: maybe V Day is hard to ignore, but this is still Brooklyn after all, and Brooklyn is nothing if not a seething pit of hormones looking for an outlet. I hereby declare all is not lost for you this year! Get thee to one of these events — they’re cool enough that they don’t reek of desperation (or Axe) but close enough to V Day that, let’s face it, everyone knows what you’re there for.

For the “Screw It, I’m In Touch With My Singularity” crowd:

I Heart Nerds Speed Dating and Singles Night
Thursday, FREE to mingle, $5 to speed date (happy hour 5-8)
Bar 4, 44 Seventh Ave., Park Slope, doors at 7pm

Go to this, jam out to nerdy indie rock and nerd romance tunes while mingling with a bar full of people who you actually know are single (if you use the “I’m sorta seeing someone” excuse at a speed dating event, you lose a life). Since it’s free to mingle, you can size up the crowd and decide if you want to dive into the speed dating. (If you know you want to speed date, RSVP to heartspeeddating@gmail.com to reserve space). DJ Patty Hearst of the skint will be spinning too!

For the “Pretending It’s Not V-Day But Really Looking for an Alt Date” crowd:

The Withering Frost Valentine’s Day block party
Thursday, FREE (with free booze!)
Graham Ave. between Wither and Frost, East Williamsburg, 6-9pm

This is a two-block long party featuring Nail Art at Tree House, one-time-only dating service (whatever that means) at Blue Stove, buy-one, get-one deals at Daddy’s, spiked cider at Alter and lots of other sales and freebies at the 11 businesses along the block. DJs will be spinning at Moves and Slowfax too. A little drinky, dancey, freebie good time in Williamsburg: it won’t be long until thoughts of your next sleepover party start dancing in your head.

For the “I Say I Just Want to Dance But Really I’ll Make Side Glances at Cuties All Night” crowd:

The Broken Hearted Ball, presented by Advernture[s] and Nerve Dating
Saturday, FREE (with drink specials)
Bar Matchless, 557 Manhattan Ave., 8pm-12am

This dance party comes in two parts: Part 1 from 8-10 is “Dance the Pain Away,” featuring songs to work out that bad romance juju on topics of breaking up, bitterness, longing, cheating, revenge, etc., from”You’re So Vain” to “You Oughta Know.” Part 2 is “Let’s Get it On,” which is self explanatory, and should put your in the arms of Mr./Mrs. Right Now. Matchless is one of the most seethingest pits of the aforementioned seething hormones. Just know you might end up talking to a 21-year-old wearing a Jansport all night.

For the bookish, adorable, twee but ready-to-overcome-shyness crowd

Missed Connections Valentine’s Day Party
Feb. 14, FREE (with free beer!)
New York Transit Museum, 95 Schermerhorn St., Brooklyn Heights, 6-8pm

The idea here is to reunite your lost m4w, w4m, m4ms, etc. that you thought were lost by the cruel hands of closing subway doors. New York Times writer Alan Feuer will read some of the best Craigslist Missed Connections and illustrator Sophie Blackall will sign copies of her book, Missed Connections: Love, Lost & Found. Need a pickup line? Try this one: ” I was going to leave you a missed connection after this, but then I decided to stop being a passive aggressive milquetoast and actually talk to you in person.” BAM! You’re welcome.

The Money $hot

Unloveable: A Smiths & Morrissey Valentine’s Day
Feb. 14, $10 advance, $12 day of
Bell House, 149 7th St., Gowanus, 8pm doors/10pm show

A dance party. With a Smiths and Cure cover band. On Valentine’s Day. At the Bell House. Sure it’s $10, but ladies and gentlebros, if you can’t hook up at this thing, you may need to seriously consider how much of a sad sack you present yourself as to the world (Team Brokelyn can vouch for the power of the Bell House’s mojo). Featuring music by The Sons & Heirs and a pre-party with DJ Ceremony. Spending a V day with boys who don’t cry and girlfriends in comas is the only acceptable way to celebrate, in this broken-hearted brokester’s opinion.

Follow/send missed connections to Tim: @timdonnelly.

FRIDAY
8pm (+ 2/4)

8pm (thru 2/5): multiple playwrights collaborate on one work without knowing what others are doing at piper mckenzie’s dainty cadaver. the brick, $10.

8pm: buried alive! = deborah kaufman’s intimate performance staged on a tabletop with sets constructed entirely of matchboxes. observatory, $12.

9pm: blurghlesque, a burlesque tribue to 30 rock, a sexy tribute to liz lemon, jack, kenneth, tracy and all the rest of the tgs gang, with comedy by jena friedman and jessica delfino. matchless, $5.

SATURDAY
4pm: novelist and macarthur fellow colson whitehead reads from his new post-apocalyptic novel zone one, which follows new york’s clean-up job of removing zombies to make manhattan inhabitable again. bpl, free.

5pm: brooklyn museum’s target free first saturday celebrates black males defying stereotypes with discussions, a talk with author carla peterson, a fashion showcase, music from afro-punk band game rebelion, violinist daniel bernard roumain, and dj stormin’ norman, more free.

6pm: the bed-stuy bar crawl includes a free drink from four bars, small appetizers, free stuff from yelp and a copy of the latest not for tourists brooklyn guidebook. $25 (must purchase tickets by midnight fri).

9pm: the folks at secret formula have formulated a grease sing-along and 50s dance (with spiked punch, of course) including shout outs, drinking games, trivia, a costume contest and dance-off, more. bell house, $10 adv, $12 dos.

10pm: the rub classic hip hop dance party rubs one out one last time at southpaw before the venue closes at the event moves to the bell house, $10

11pm: nerds + burlesque = nerdlesque. followed by strip operation! the brick, $10.

SUNDAY
1pm (every first sun thru march): a licensed psychotherapist and garden guide leads a special ‘chase away the winter blues‘ tour of the brooklyn botanic garden. free with $10 garden admission.

3pm (thru 5/26): brooklyn’s truffle theatre company performs shakespeare’s a midsummer night’s dream in the mezzanine of 61 local (cobble hill), $5 for super bowl sunday (reg $15).

6:30pm SUPERBOWL!

listings brought to you by the skint. Follow: @theskint.

FRIDAY
8pm

8:30pm: former off-broadway show the marijuana-logues lets tony camin, rob cantrell, and bruce cherry perform monologues about their favorite herb. bell house, $10 adv, $13 dos.

9pm: no partner or experience necessary at the new york city barn dance. jalopy, $15.

11pm-4am: do you miss junior senior, annie, chicks on speed, fischerspooner, and the like? sweat to them all and more at ‘le bump,‘ a nostalgic dance party spun by djs mister disco (happy house), brian blackout (secret formula), and chris rogy. cubana social (williamsburg), free.

SATURDAY
4pm: sample pimento cheese and watch a screening of short doc. Iimento cheese, please with director nicole lang at brooklyn kitchen. $5.

7:30pm-12am: five very different female singing cellists sahre the bill at vaudeville park. bonus: drinks by donation courtesy of brooklyn brew and vegan cupcakes. $5-15 sliding scale admission.

8pm: comedienne lisa delarios is joined by guest co-host bobby tisdale at this month’s ‘party machine’ at union hall, featuring kara klenk, dan st. germain, kate berlant, jordan carlos and adira amram + the experience. $5.

SUNDAY
6pm: taste chili from 10 contestants and enter raffles at the habitat’s (greenpoint ) fourth chili cook-off, $10.

7:30pm: todd barry hosts tonight’s ‘pretty good friends‘ comedy show at union hall with guests dan st. germain, kevin barnett, and the found footage festival. $7.

Listings brought to you by the skint. Follow: @theskint.

FRIDAY
8pm:

8pm: bonjour! sing along to your favorite tunes from beauty and the beast and compete against other fans in the trivia, costume, and egg-eating contests. bell house, $10 adv, $12 dos.

10pm: techno party the bunker celebrates its nine year anniversary with chicago house legend derrick carter, dutch synthster legowelt, derek plaslaiko, more. public assembly, $20.

SATURDAY
11am: ‘lovesick: a wedding expo for the cool at heart’ brings alt/unique wedding vendors to mhow. $6.50 adv, $10 dos.

5-11pm: brooklyn museum’s target first saturday celebrates the lgbtq community with a sing-along screening of rent, an interactive performance with free haircuts, artist talks, hands-on art, a dance party with dj tikka massala, more. free.

8pm: greg barris’s ‘heart of darkness’ comedy night at union hall features gabe liedman, wyatt cenac, matthew modine (yes, the matthew modine) and pianist pete drungle. union hall, $8.

8pm: wasabassco burlesque puts on a free show at the bell house with special guests trick roper-bull whip master chris mcdaniel and alex battles + the whisky rebellion.

SUNDAY
confound and arouse your fellow commuters during the 11th annual no pants subway ride, free with $2.25 subway fare

1pm: every first sun thru march): a licensed psychotherapist and garden guide leads a special ‘chase away the winter blues‘ tour of the brooklyn botanic garden. free with $10 garden admission.

6pm: british record label communion sets up residency at public assembly. this month: performances by clare + the reasons, natalia zukerman, spirit family reunion, levi stephens and sydney wayser. $12.

7:20, 9:40pm: director wim wenders does q+a (7:20pm) and introduces (9:40pm) pina, his 3d tribute to the work of legendary modern choreographer pina bausch. bam, $15.

ALL WEEKEND
the brooklyn flea is back open for the season!

Listings brought to you by the skint. Follow: @theskint.

Gunpowder, treason and mushy peas

Revolution is in the air these days (as well as some pheromones. And a hint of tear gas). So it seems like this year’s Guy Fawkes Day party at the Bell House Nov. 5 celebrating the infamous British conspirator might be a particularly rowdy one, especially since some occupiers got hassled for wearing those V for Vendetta masks. Not only is the second annual Fawkes party free, but it also includes free British snacks from Chip Shop and gift bags from Penguin including classic Brit lit for the first 60 guests. You don’t even have to threaten a government building and put yourself on a terrorist watch list to get in!

The party is Nov. 5 (as in: “remember remember the fifth of November”) from 10pm-4am in the front room of the Bell House in Gowanus. D.J. Ceremony (Oscillate Wildly, House of Commons) will be spinning Britpop hits, and there will be giveaways from the British music magazine Q, along with Pimm’s cups, gin and tonics, and other British bevvies. The gift bags include Shakespeare, Austen novels and other British classics.

And for anyone not read up on your 17th century terrorist alert levels, here’s the brief summary of the Gunpowder Plot:

In London, 1605, Guy Fawkes and his band of conspirators were foiled in their attempt to blow up English Parliament. Ever since, England has celebrated Guy Fawkes Day with bonfires, fireworks, late-night revelry and the rhyme:

Remember, remember the fifth of November 

Gunpowder, treason, and plot. 

I see no reason why gunpowder treason

Should ever be forgot.

Practice your moves; the talent show is soon!

Our budget blogging buddies at the skint are hosting a big ass talent show next month, and they are giving $150 in cash to the winner! On Sept. 8 at the Bell House, the skint presents So-You-Think-You’ve-Got-Talent Idol with the Stars to show off some of the most magnificent talent this side of Manhattan. Says the skint: ”Have people other than your mom praised your singing voice? Are you a bendy contortionist with a knack for celebrity impressions? Can you juggle bagpipes and train puppies to dance while riding a unicycle that has been set on fire? (Don’t worry, no one can do that last one!)”

To enter, send a link to your website or shoot video of your talent, upload it to Vimeo or YouTube and email the URL to skintevents@gmail.com (deadline is Friday at 11:59pm). Those skinties say all talents are welcome, from big to small, singles or group acts, from highbrown despicable to lowbrow brilliant. Contestants will be notified on Monday. Then you get three minutes on stage at The Bell House, where you’ll be judged by a panel of three judges. For the rest of you. entry to the show is $8.

FRIDAY
4, 6:30, 9pm

8pm: teen witch sing-along! freestyle rap-off, condom rolling contest, trivia, more. bell house, $8.

SATURDAY
12-6pm: two reasons to visit prospect heights today: brooklyn based’s ‘total vanderbilt street immersion’ (their final immersion of the summer!) and washington ave’s ‘wash ave rocks!’ street fair.

3pm: brooklyn authors bernice l. mcfadden, rick moody, others share the stage with young writers at the the seventh annual fort greene park summer literary festival. an after party (6pm) with music, refreshments and book signings follows at greenlight bookstore.

8pm: contestants at brooklyn brine’s second annual whiskey sour pickle eating contest have five minutes to scarf down as many brined gherkins as possible. cash prize. signup to enter by 7pm. black rabbit (greenpoint), free.

8pm: closing night for rooftop films features shorts and a live performance from lady lamb the beekeeper. old american can factory, $10

SUNDAY
11am-5pm (monthly thru oct): 14 trucks are set to show for the food truck rally at prospect park’s grand army plaza: bistro truck, coolhaus, gorilla cheese, rickshaw dumpling, red hook lobster pound, more. pay-as-you-go.

1-8pm: rcrd lbl rock-a-way summer beach blowout with dom, dj set from baio (vampire weekend), more. rockaway beach boardwalk, free.

8pm: david cross and a.d. miles are in the lineup for eugene mirman’s ‘pretty good friends‘ 5-year anniversary show. bell house, $15.