FRIDAY

8pm: is it hot in peru, or is it just us? alistair r. noble of the hollow earth society lectures on the phallic stone monuments recently discovered near — wait for it — lake titicaca. observatory, $5. 

8pm: fifteen-plus member ensemble mise-en perform a variety of pieces at the firehouse space (246 frost street, williamsburg). followed by a reception with the musicians and composers. free.

8:30pm: indie/alternative bands snowden and warm ghost play glasslands, $12

SATURDAY
10:30am-3:30pm: get yourself learned in basic bookmaking, confetti eggs and japanese tea ceremony at the brooklyn skillshare and big things pop-up art market and skills workshop. launchpad (crown heights), $5 sugg. don. for workshops.

12-2pm: mix some vodka or kahlua with your selections from an all-you-can-eat sugar cereal bar while watching v-day episodes of cartoons from the 60s-90s at a love-themed ‘spoons, toons, + booze’ viewing party. nitehawk, $5.

12-5pm: 30+ food, gift, and craft vendors fill the greenpointers love birds valentine’s market. plus, a love letter writing station, a free birdy photo booth, $1 raffles, more. lutheran church of the messiah (129 russell st. greenpoint), free admission.

7pm: screaming females, laura stevenson + the cans, more play the don giovanni records showcase at mhow, $12 adv, $14 dos

8pm: enter a clandestine french cabaret at gemni + scorpio’s valtentine’s day + 9th b-day party: gypsy swing from les hot club, french chanson, musical saw, classic and gender-bending burlesque, live ink portraits, tarot and astrology readings, more. dress code req’d. gowanus location tba w. rsvp, $20 until 1am, $10 after.

11pm: cheryl (‘the dance party that will ruin your life’) goes retro – caveman retro – at the bell house, $5 before midnight, $10 after.

SUNDAY
12-6pm: have a cruelty-free v-day with gifts from the vegan valentine’s shop-up gift market: 30+ vendors including rescue chocolate, heat sweets, champs bakery and diner, one lucky duck, compassion couture, more. bonus: happy hour boozing and pick up a free copy of veg news magazine. pine box rock shop (2 grattan st., bushwick), free admission.

sun 7pm doors, 8pm show: laugh at love at the skint’s ‘tell your friends! with benefits!’ valentine comedy show featuring wyatt cenac (the daily show), jessi klein (snl, comedy central, vh1), hari + ashok (das racist, comedy central), victor varnado (‘the awkward comedy show’, tell your friends! the concert film), musical guest bridget + the squares, and host liam mceneaney. bonus: the first 100 guests get a free robicelli’s cupcake! $12 adv, $15 dos.

8pm: test your sexy smarts at babeland trivia. silver bullet vibes go to the top three teams. pacific standard, free.

ALL WEEKEND
check out the skint’s list of 25+ free and cheap valentine’s events in nyc.

listings brought to you by the skint. Follow: @theskint.

You too can make a taco book! Via acherryontop.com

One problem with Brooklyn is that there just isn’t anywhere to learn things. Fortunately, Brooklyn Skillshare and BIG THINGS, a Bay Area arts and culture blog, are joining forces for BIG CITY: Brooklyn, an afternoon of workshops to learn you a thing or two. If you’ve ever wanted to learn how to make a confetti egg (or what one is), bookmaking or how to properly hold a Japanese tea ceremony, experts will be there to share their knowledge. If you think learning things is for nerds, you can still show up to browse the pop up art shop featuring local artists. It all goes down on Saturday from 10:30am to 3:30pm at LaunchPad, 731 Franklin Ave. There’s a $5 requested donation, and while they say no one will be turned away, come on. Don’t be a cheapskate.

Get on the cute bus. Via Flickr's Daniel Roode.

Valentine’s Day is just like any other day, except that everyone’s heart gets a whole lot cuter! No matter if you’re single or coupled up, the most important thing to remember is to keep it cute the whole day long! Lucky for you, Brooklyn is one of the cutest towns around, and Brokelyn’s made you a list of all kinds of cute things to do on Valentine’s Day, ya lil’ cutie.

Watch: the Dog Run at Prospect Park

Via Flickr's Mike Sheehan.

Cute-lil-doggies run free in sectioned-off areas of Prospect Park.
Where: Prospect Park, middle and upper Long Meadow (excludes ballfield area in the lower Long Meadow), Nethermead, Peninsula.
Couples: Kiss in front of the dogs. Think about what it’s going to be like when you guys have one all to yourselves.
Singles: Look at the dogs, then look at your phone!

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Snacktime: Miniature cookies at One Girl Cookies

Delicious mini cookies, cupcakes and other treats are served up at this cute Cobble Hill bakery and coffeeshop.
Where: Cobble Hill, 68 Dean St.; Dumbo, 33 Main St.
Couples: Share a plate of some of the cutest miniature cookies in Brooklyn. Get one of their delicious cupcakes and smear icing on each other’s noses!
Singles: Eat a cookie! Then look at your phone!

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Breakfast: 606 R&D

This newly opened restaurant offers fresh donuts and French press coffee on Saturday and Sunday mornings until noon.
Where: Prospect Heights, 606 Vanderbilt Ave.
Couples: Start your Valentine’s Day early with coffee and a couple fresh donuts to share (at $1.50 a pop) for a simple and romantic Sunday morning.
Singles: Why not — fresh donuts + the weekend = relationship-schmalationship!

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Drink: Camp 

Photo by Lindsay Buckley.

This local bar offers a nice variety of good clean fun! Featuring board games, s’mores, and Tuesday night Karaoke (and just guess what day Valentine’s Day falls on!).
Where: Cobble Hill, 179 Smith St.
Couples: You’ll look like tools feeding each other s’mores but go ahead … everyone’s doing karaoke anyways, so you’ll fit right in!
Singles: This may be one of those activities to bring some friends to.

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Watch: Brooklyn Heights Cinema 

The 40-year-old building is a quaint, classic and now endangered movie theater in old Brooklyn. What’s cuter than endangered creatures?
Where: Brooklyn Heights. 70 Henry St.
Couples: Movies! Kissin’! Kissin’ in the Movies! A classic activity!
Singles: Go to the movies. A classic activity! Don’t be afraid to tell those moron punks in front of you to knock it off and get a room, ya cliché’ a$sholes! Try to not check your phone.

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Fun-Bathe: Candy in Coney Island

William's Candy Store. Photo via Yelp.

The summer hotspot becomes the winter notspot for those looking for a more Blue Lagoon-esque Valentine’s Day.
Where: Coney Island. Duh.
Couples: Make love like nobody’s watching! Because at this time of year, Coney Island’s got nobody watching!
Singles: A quiet place to read and gather your thoughts … outside! Check out William’s Candy Store for cheap candy and ice cream sundaes if you start to get restless.

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Caketime: Cake Man Raven’s

A world-famous red velvet cake joint planted right in the heart of Fort Greene.
Where: Fort Greene. 708 Fulton St.
Couples: Split a piece of this decadent and legendary cake over at Fort Greene’s famous Cake Man Raven Café, just upstairs from the store front. As we all know, red velvet is the color and texture of passion.
Singles: It’s a giant $6 piece of cake, and it’s all yours if you want it. Why not take out those Valentine’s blues on a very delicious treat. As we all know, red velvet is the color and texture of velvet on fire and covered in blood.

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Shop: Kings County General Store at Southpaw

Photo via Kings County General Store FB.

Southpaw transforms into a giant indoor market for local goods this Sunday from 12pm-6pm. Complimentary Reyka Vodka coctails from 12pm-1pm while supplies last!
Where: Park Slope, 125 Fifth Ave.
Couples: Sneak off and get your honey something unique and totally “them.” It won’t be too hard to find at this quirky once-a-month marketplace, especially with this month’s having a Valentine’s Day theme!
Singles: Get something for yourself that’s totally “you.” It won’t be too hard to find at this quirky once-a-month marketplace, especially with this month’s having an indoor market theme!

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Drink: Bushwick Country Club

Photo by — and featuring! — Bitchcakes NY.

Hit up this dive bar for cheap drinks, photo booth pictures, mini golf and cheese doodles to boot!
Where: East Williamsburg, 618 Grand St.
Couples: Photo booth pictures!? Mini golf in the backyard!?
Singles: Did somebody say CHEESE DOODLES?

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Education: Exotic Curves Pole Fitness Studio

Photo via Facebook.

Learn to get your sexy on with classes offered every night. Prices range from $10-$15 per class.
Where: Bay Ridge. 908 Fifth Ave.
Couples: Maybe not the place for couples. You know, it’d be kinda weird … “Oh no, I’m just here to watch.”
Singles: LIVE IT UP! POSE! WIGGLE! TURN AROUND, SWISH YOUR HAIR, LOOK IN THE MIRROR…OOP, THAT’S RIGHT, YOU ARE FINE AS HELL!

So funny you'll get preggo.

If you’re finding the weekend before this V-day a little stressful to plan, you might consider the fertile land of Hank’s Saloon for the free and awesome Let’s Get Pregnant With Comedy monthly show this Sunday. Bring your significant other, someone you’re looking to impress, or show up stag with the hopes of pulling the goalie for some lucky bystander, all to the romantic soundtrack of poop and fart jokes! The night will feature Malcom Wilford, Julia Stratmann, Jessica Darakjian, Daryl Ellerbe, Carlen Altman and yours truly. Also on tap is a special screening of Brokelyn’s hit video Brokelandia, which is way better to watch outside of a cubicle, and without headphones plugged into your computer. And for those of you looking to impress your current/sitting-at-the-bar-now-but-definitely-future sweetheart, you can compete for a $20 tab by telling your own joke on stage. That’ll buy a whole bunch of couple-tinis (I think that’s a PBR and a shot of Jack at Hank’s).

8pm Sunday, Hank’s Saloon, 46 Third Ave., Boerum Hill.

Forever alone? Not this year. Photo via one of the MOST DEPRESSING STORIES OF ALL TIME in The Daily Mail.

Being a single on Valentine’s Day I imagine is a lot like being a Jew on Christmas: people around you are caught up in the hoopla of corporation-fueled gifting while the rest of us slog along, pretending we’re perfectly happy not celebrating. And then you have to upload post after post about it on the blog you work for, because allegedly everyone is looking for things to do on V Day, because, even though you’re a happy couple, I STILL HAVE TO COME UP WITH DATE IDEAS FOR YOU. Well, nuts to that: maybe V Day is hard to ignore, but this is still Brooklyn after all, and Brooklyn is nothing if not a seething pit of hormones looking for an outlet. I hereby declare all is not lost for you this year! Get thee to one of these events — they’re cool enough that they don’t reek of desperation (or Axe) but close enough to V Day that, let’s face it, everyone knows what you’re there for.

For the “Screw It, I’m In Touch With My Singularity” crowd:

I Heart Nerds Speed Dating and Singles Night
Thursday, FREE to mingle, $5 to speed date (happy hour 5-8)
Bar 4, 44 Seventh Ave., Park Slope, doors at 7pm

Go to this, jam out to nerdy indie rock and nerd romance tunes while mingling with a bar full of people who you actually know are single (if you use the “I’m sorta seeing someone” excuse at a speed dating event, you lose a life). Since it’s free to mingle, you can size up the crowd and decide if you want to dive into the speed dating. (If you know you want to speed date, RSVP to heartspeeddating@gmail.com to reserve space). DJ Patty Hearst of the skint will be spinning too!

For the “Pretending It’s Not V-Day But Really Looking for an Alt Date” crowd:

The Withering Frost Valentine’s Day block party
Thursday, FREE (with free booze!)
Graham Ave. between Wither and Frost, East Williamsburg, 6-9pm

This is a two-block long party featuring Nail Art at Tree House, one-time-only dating service (whatever that means) at Blue Stove, buy-one, get-one deals at Daddy’s, spiked cider at Alter and lots of other sales and freebies at the 11 businesses along the block. DJs will be spinning at Moves and Slowfax too. A little drinky, dancey, freebie good time in Williamsburg: it won’t be long until thoughts of your next sleepover party start dancing in your head.

For the “I Say I Just Want to Dance But Really I’ll Make Side Glances at Cuties All Night” crowd:

The Broken Hearted Ball, presented by Advernture[s] and Nerve Dating
Saturday, FREE (with drink specials)
Bar Matchless, 557 Manhattan Ave., 8pm-12am

This dance party comes in two parts: Part 1 from 8-10 is “Dance the Pain Away,” featuring songs to work out that bad romance juju on topics of breaking up, bitterness, longing, cheating, revenge, etc., from”You’re So Vain” to “You Oughta Know.” Part 2 is “Let’s Get it On,” which is self explanatory, and should put your in the arms of Mr./Mrs. Right Now. Matchless is one of the most seethingest pits of the aforementioned seething hormones. Just know you might end up talking to a 21-year-old wearing a Jansport all night.

For the bookish, adorable, twee but ready-to-overcome-shyness crowd

Missed Connections Valentine’s Day Party
Feb. 14, FREE (with free beer!)
New York Transit Museum, 95 Schermerhorn St., Brooklyn Heights, 6-8pm

The idea here is to reunite your lost m4w, w4m, m4ms, etc. that you thought were lost by the cruel hands of closing subway doors. New York Times writer Alan Feuer will read some of the best Craigslist Missed Connections and illustrator Sophie Blackall will sign copies of her book, Missed Connections: Love, Lost & Found. Need a pickup line? Try this one: ” I was going to leave you a missed connection after this, but then I decided to stop being a passive aggressive milquetoast and actually talk to you in person.” BAM! You’re welcome.

The Money $hot

Unloveable: A Smiths & Morrissey Valentine’s Day
Feb. 14, $10 advance, $12 day of
Bell House, 149 7th St., Gowanus, 8pm doors/10pm show

A dance party. With a Smiths and Cure cover band. On Valentine’s Day. At the Bell House. Sure it’s $10, but ladies and gentlebros, if you can’t hook up at this thing, you may need to seriously consider how much of a sad sack you present yourself as to the world (Team Brokelyn can vouch for the power of the Bell House’s mojo). Featuring music by The Sons & Heirs and a pre-party with DJ Ceremony. Spending a V day with boys who don’t cry and girlfriends in comas is the only acceptable way to celebrate, in this broken-hearted brokester’s opinion.

Follow/send missed connections to Tim: @timdonnelly.

Bike date, anyone?

Just in time for the worst holiday of all time, the folks at L Magazine have compiled a list of 18 Brooklyn Dates: One For Every Conceivable Dating Scenario. Among these suggested evenings of passion are The Art Date (hit up some art galleries and toss back some PBRs), The Roof Date (WINE ON THA ROOF!), The Let’s Make Dinner Date, which honestly, this lady loves going on solo too, and, on that note, The Treat-Yourself Date for the Single Person, which includes a visit to my absolute favorite heart-break therapy spot, Buffalo Exchange.

What L Magazine refers to as “The Broke Date” is right up this Brokelynite’s alley and includes a free Saturday tour at the Brooklyn Brewery, cheap Mexican eats at Tortilleria Mexicana Los Hermanos in Bushwick and finishes with a cozy beerfest (or winefest) on the couch. So no more excuses, dudes; who says Valentine’s Day has to be extravagant?

For the full list of 18 proposed dates, head over to L Magazine.

Ah the finer things.

Whether it’s actually a thing that more women have discovered whiskey lately or just one of those pseudo-trend stories, we’ll let you decide. But let it be known, ladies, that ordering a glass of whiskey totally works for you, so you should keep doing it. On that note, All you dudes and ladies who love a taste of whiskey, prepare for an awesome pre-V day outing: New Greenpoint gallery/shop The One Well is hosing a whiskey and chocolate tasting on Thursday, and it’s free! From 6-8pm, sample drinks from Jonathan Wingo from The Whiskey Shop and chocolates from Danielle Lawrence of Raaka Chocolate. The shop will be offering package pricing on vintage glasses with the purchase of a bottle of whiskey, too.

The One Well,  165 Greenpoint Ave., Greenpoint. 

FRIDAY
8pm (+ 2/4)

8pm (thru 2/5): multiple playwrights collaborate on one work without knowing what others are doing at piper mckenzie’s dainty cadaver. the brick, $10.

8pm: buried alive! = deborah kaufman’s intimate performance staged on a tabletop with sets constructed entirely of matchboxes. observatory, $12.

9pm: blurghlesque, a burlesque tribue to 30 rock, a sexy tribute to liz lemon, jack, kenneth, tracy and all the rest of the tgs gang, with comedy by jena friedman and jessica delfino. matchless, $5.

SATURDAY
4pm: novelist and macarthur fellow colson whitehead reads from his new post-apocalyptic novel zone one, which follows new york’s clean-up job of removing zombies to make manhattan inhabitable again. bpl, free.

5pm: brooklyn museum’s target free first saturday celebrates black males defying stereotypes with discussions, a talk with author carla peterson, a fashion showcase, music from afro-punk band game rebelion, violinist daniel bernard roumain, and dj stormin’ norman, more free.

6pm: the bed-stuy bar crawl includes a free drink from four bars, small appetizers, free stuff from yelp and a copy of the latest not for tourists brooklyn guidebook. $25 (must purchase tickets by midnight fri).

9pm: the folks at secret formula have formulated a grease sing-along and 50s dance (with spiked punch, of course) including shout outs, drinking games, trivia, a costume contest and dance-off, more. bell house, $10 adv, $12 dos.

10pm: the rub classic hip hop dance party rubs one out one last time at southpaw before the venue closes at the event moves to the bell house, $10

11pm: nerds + burlesque = nerdlesque. followed by strip operation! the brick, $10.

SUNDAY
1pm (every first sun thru march): a licensed psychotherapist and garden guide leads a special ‘chase away the winter blues‘ tour of the brooklyn botanic garden. free with $10 garden admission.

3pm (thru 5/26): brooklyn’s truffle theatre company performs shakespeare’s a midsummer night’s dream in the mezzanine of 61 local (cobble hill), $5 for super bowl sunday (reg $15).

6:30pm SUPERBOWL!

listings brought to you by the skint. Follow: @theskint.

Can you get your flirt on? Photo via Flickr's Nylons and Cake.

The good thing about going to a flirting workshop is that it’s probably a pretty damn good place to pick up a date, especially for you, the person who’s bad at flirting, because you’ll be in a room with other people who suck at flirting, which means your attempts to pick them up will be even more aww-dorable. Tonight, Babeland is holding a mini workshop on flirting to give you tips on eye contact, body language, suggestive conversation starters and tips for taking it a step further. The workshop is only about 20 minutes long, but, think about it: you’re in a flirting workshop. In a sex shop. A week before Valentine’s Day. If you can’t hook up there, you probably need to go back to remedial sex ed.
7pm tonight at Babeland Brooklyn, 462 Bergen St., Park Slope.

[via the skint]